The Fire Ant Wars

Today was a big day for Alice. She’d given orders to her drones- “Tell all Queens to be at the grand hall when the sun’s at its’ highest point.

Alice sat on her throne surveying her progeny of Queens. They were special like her. She was now the queen of many ant colonies that were the product of ninety-three years of genetic mutations. Her abilities spread as her queen ant daughters created new mounds on the one-hundred-acre Brown farm.

Not only was Alice a queen, but the years of genetic mutations gave her and her progeny an intelligence equivalent to the smartest of Humes.The newest of her brood stood before her, their recent evolved telepathic abilities made it easy for Alice to put them to work. She was certain their abilities gave them the needed edge to win the war.

Alice estimated Brown’s farm had over five thousand mounds. The queens could hear her voice, and they could reason. But the most important characteristic they all had wasn’t due to any genetic mutations. Queen Alice knew fire ants followed the orders of their leader. They worked in unison and always did what they were told.

While Queen Alice still had to use her hydro-carbon signature with many of her low intellect drones for communication the idea of telecommunicating with her equals through thoughts opened ways to strategize and implement war plans with alacrity.

***

“Since our ancestors exited the cargo ship Adios in Mobile, Alabama in the Humes year 1932 we’ve been at war.” Alice’s beginning words resonated throughout the mound queen congregation.

The hydrocarbon smell of the queens covering the floor of the great meeting hall was enthralling. Their hydrocarbon signatures smelled of royalty. The pride Alice held for her workers being able to dig out a vast fifty square foot grand hall deep within her mound was immense. Structural columns gave support from floor to ceiling. Newly developed glues and construction ideas were used by Alice’s workers and drones to build the room under her supervision. Her army could not see very well but the new construction techniques were working. Alice believed that their telepathy coupled with the old ways of communicating through their senses of taste, smell and touch made them formidable opponents for the Humes.

A message came in from Cindy, queen ant of Mound 3231, “I’m ready for my drones to sting Humes. Their chemicals wiped out eighty-five percent of my mound last Spring.”

The screeches of approval from all the queens shook Alice’s antennae. Quelling the exuberance Alice began by saying, “When we gained self-awareness after the Mirex drop fifty years ago my great grandmother knew fighting back against the Humes wasn’t going to be easy. They can murder billions while we can only put a dent in their population. Our statisticians estimate over our ninety-two years in the United States we’ve killed under seven thousand Humes while Humes have murdered over eight billion of our brethren.”

Screeches turned to murmurs as Alice said, “It takes thousands of our stings happening at once to possibly kill a Hume. With that said my scientists and I have developed a plan of stealth death for the Humes.”

The screeches resumed. Like the Humes doing high fives Queen Alice watched her progeny tap antennae in a moment of over exuberant celebration. “We’re now in year 48 of our awakening. For the first time we will go on the offensive. Tomorrow we will do a test run on a family of Humes. If things go as planned, farmer Brown, his wife, daughters and husbands will die at around six thirty a.m..”

Queen Sophie from Mound 1885 asked, “If we can’t sting them to death how will they die?”

“Our scientists used their own poison against them. We’ve synthesized the pellets that they use to kill rats.”

Queen Sophie interrupted, “TETS?”

“It’s a highly toxic rat poison. Our scientists have been able to concentrate the chemical. We think one to two milligrams will kill most Humes.”

Queen Alice heard the telepathic screeches of approval. The hatred for Humes had no bounds. The word kill and Hume had for years brought rage among the fire ant population of Brown’s dairy. This would be the first time the two words brought joy.

The inquisitive Queen Rhonda of Mound 4981 asked, “How do you plan to get this TETS into the Humes digestion systems?” She added before Alice could telepath, “And, how do you know this TETS will even work?”

“We tested it on one of Brown’s dairy cows just a few days ago. Guess being one of the outer mounds you didn’t know about this. That cow is still feeding us.”

Queen Alice emitted a hydrocarbon of clever anticipation before telepathing more, “As to your first question killing the Brown family is simple. Farmer Brown’s wife prepares her coffee maker before she goes to bed. She turns on their coffee maker around six a.m. every morning. Using brown dye derived from our clay in Mound 77 we’ve colored the dissolvable granules to look just like coffee grounds. Additionally, the dissolved granules are designed to have a slow reaction time. That way we’re pretty sure all the Browns will have ingested the poison before it starts to act.”

Sandra, queen of Mound 77 waved her antennae signaling her pride in being a part of the stealth death plan. Alice watched some of the nearby queens give Sandra a “high five” with their antennae.

Alice heard the screeches as she added, “My drones will begin dumping five of these granules into their coffee maker at two a.m..”

“I called you all here to watch the deaths of the Humes tomorrow morning. After many lives have been lost to the chemical madness of the Humes we are going to kill six Humes in the morning.”

The antennae piercing screeching lasted until Queen Alice signaled for silence. “You cannot be seen but I’m inviting each of you to observe the Brown’s death. Death to the Humes!”

***

Alice supervised her drones taking the synthetic TET granules from the Mound laboratory to the coffee maker. Her drones were smart enough to hear and understand most of Alice’s telepathic messages. They could hear the excitement in her message realizing the importance of their mission. The trip through cool dew, high grass, over limbs across the driveway and through the screen door crack was arduous. Alice walked along the long line of five thousand drones encouraging their work as they moved the granules making sure, the granules never touched the ground. The quiet dark night seemed surreal as her drones passed the granules along like a bumpy conveyor belt. Going vertical with the granules was difficult. It took a widening of the column to raise the granules up to the lip of the coffee urn. She followed the granules watching them fall into the brown coffee grounds resting above the white filter paper. She was proud. Her drones managed to get the granules from her mound to the coffee maker in under twenty minutes.

Her progeny would not come for another two hours. She gave strict orders for them to stay out of sight when the Humes arose. The only death she wanted that morning were Humes.

Queen Alice decided to perch high on the large cookie jar shelf. The view and the surrounding sweet crumbs made it an easy choice. Seeing their TV on the kitchen counter she hated so many things about Humes.She’d tell her progeny how Humes wasted their intelligence. How they didn’t always work together. She repeated what her drones had told her about Mr. and Mrs. Brown constantly fighting. How the child Humes fought more than they played. All they knew was how to kill is what she preached to her progeny. She couldn’t wait to see them die this morning.

While reflecting on her hatred Queen Sally from Mound 2222 came near. “All of us are here.”

“I hope everyone follows my orders and stays hidden.” Queen Alice nudged a sweet chocolate morsel toward Sally with her back sixth leg.

As her scouts had confirmed for months of observation, the Brown Humes would arise around six. The first up was Mrs. Brown. Alice watched her turn on the coffee maker. The drips and the smell were enthralling. Her scout drones had reported that all the Browns would drink the brew close to the same time. The only exception might be one of the daughters who didn’t work and was particularly lazy. But they estimated that sixty-five percent of the time she’d get up with her husband getting him ready to work on the farm.

Though cruel to think that the children would become orphans. Alice’s progeny realized and accepted the necessity of collateral damage.

Mr. Brown was the first to taste the toxic brew. Soon his two sons-in-law and Mrs. Brown were slurping the hot coffee. The older daughter was the last to sip from a porcelain cup. She did this while frying bacon and scrambling eggs. Mrs. Brown prepared toast with ample butter.

The lazy daughter remained in bed. The Queens heard the lazy daughter’s husband say, “I wish she would get her sorry ass out of bed.”

Mrs. Brown said, “Tom don’t say that. She’s your wife and our daughter.”

Alice watched as Mrs. Brown moved the kitchen garbage can near the stove to throw away eggshells. Knowing her sisters like to eat she expected the worse. It didn’t take long for her sisters to start scurrying from their watch point underneath the can. While stomping in her house slippers, Mrs. Brown said “Damn, Jack. You need to get off your lazy ass and start putting out ant bait.”

Without getting up, Jack said, “I think there is some Raid under the sink.”

Alice’s fears grew exponentially as she heard the screams of sisters being crushed. The foot didn’t crush Queen Monica completely. Her thorax and hind legs were maimed to the point death was imminent. Alice could hear through telecommunication her sister begging for help. Alice could feel the urge of her Queens all over the kitchen wanting to attack. Fortunately, they had never experienced direct combat. The idea of stinging a Hume was usually the job of their drones. They followed Alice’s direct order, “Do not engage, do not engage, do not engage!”.

Alice was relieved when she heard Mrs. Brown say, “There isn’t any Raid you moron. One of the kids emptied the can on the sidewalk yesterday to kill these freaking ants.”

The choking, the gasping, the grimacing began at six-forty-five. Mr. Brown tried to stand up as the female Humes fell away from the stove hitting the floor like sacks of flour. All the queens felt joy seeing the Browns on the floor writhing in agony. The coup de grace was seeing white foam leak from the Hume mouths with their last gasps for air.

Though all the Queens wanted to sting the living daughter and children they had orders to get out as quick as possible. Fire ants unlike Humes always work together. The queens lined up on the kitchen floor they all tried to ignore the stench of mixed hydrocarbons from the dead queens that lay crushed underneath the counter. The queens were not used to the death of anyone. Dying was the job of the drones. Despite the difficulty of witnessing death, the siblings began to trudge onward.

Although shocked, they followed Queen Alice out the screen door. The low sun and sky over the east horizon were beautiful. Soon the dew would be gone, and the day would be perfect. As they neared Mound 1 they could hear a distant shrill scream coming from the Brown homestead.

Despite the loss of at least forty colleagues, it was a beautiful experience. thought Alice. Queen Cindy in line behind Alice broke her thought by uttering, “I hope that lazy ass daughter gets the blame.”

***

Two hours had passed since leaving the Brown’s home. The screeching was loud in Queen Alice’s large congregation room. When Queen Alice appeared atop the room’s upper ledge the screeching grew louder. Waving her antennae with rapidity the noise subsided. Her first telepathic words were, “Today is a great day. We killed five Humes today. The score is now seven thousand and five to eight billion!”

After the shrieking subsided, inquisitive Queen Charlotte from mound 3467 asked “Why didn’t we go ahead and sting the Hume children and lazy ass daughter?”

Queen Alice was glad she asked this question. It gave her an opening to tell her plans. “This will sound strange, but I want all of us to cease and desist stinging Humes.”

The murmurs were louder than usual. She telepathed again, “We don’t want to call attention to ourselves. My scientists are working on other toxins to use on the Humes. Don’t fear we will continue to drop our TET in places like Star Bucks, McDonalds and other favorite Hume eating places. We will do it strategically and infrequently to not call attention to ourselves. Right now, I imagine the lazy ass daughter is being blamed for her family’s deaths. Our job now is to kill with discretion and cause a rift in Hume society. Their races hate each other, and we will kill to widen the hatred.”

The congregation screeched in approval. Fire ants work in unison and what Queen Alice ordered would be followed.

“The future looks much brighter. The Humes will continue to hit us with chemicals, but my analysts believe our mutations are allowing us to handle cold weather. It’s a fact our mounds are moving farther northward every year.”

A few screeches could be heard while Alice continued, “They predict by the year eighty-five of our awakening we will cover North America to the Arctic Circle and all Central and South America. By the year eighty-five of our awakening, we are hoping to have toxins and dispersal methods in place to kill ninety percent of the Humes in the Western Hemisphere.”

The screeches were the loudest Queen Alice had ever heard. Fire ants are patient. They can die. They can wait. They all agreed the future looked bright.

The End

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